It All Fades To Black
by TheOneWithFanfiction
Summary: Leonard can't take it anymore. Set to the song 'Fade to Black' by Metallica, each chapter is going to be based around one verse of the song. I know the summary is bad, but it's better inside! Second half is Penny's PoV. (Penny's PoV has started :3) L&P, Angst/Drama/Romance. Please R&R, any feedback/ criticism is great! :D (Rated T for minor language :3)
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there! Welcome to my story, it's set to the song 'Fade to Black' by Metallica. The idea to start writing this came to me when I was actually playing the song on my guitar, and I immediately started penning it. Each chapter is going to be based around one verse of the song, and when the song runs out, the story ends! :3 I'll be writing the same story from Penny's PoV when this is done, using the song 'Nothing Else Matters' by Metallica. Whether this fic has a happy ending or not, I haven't decided yet, let me know in a review on how you'd want the story to end, I'll write the last few chapters based around the feedback I get, and the sequel/ other half will be written based on your guys' feedback! **

**Hope you enjoy it! **

**Callum**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing,(Except my fictional deluded writing!) not 'The Big Bang Theory', nor 'Fade to Black'/Metallica or anything associated with either party. **

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**_Life it seems will fade away _**

The light was so bright, it was blinding. His legs were numb, his body was numb, his arms were dead, and Leonard couldn't feel anything, except for his breaking heart. It was being torn apart, agonisingly slow. As the breath started to drain from within his body, a wave of nauseating cold ran over him, leaving him shivering. He could see the blood, his blood on his carpet, it was a mess, but he didn't care, it wasn't going to be his problem after the next few minutes.

**_Drifting further everyday _**

Weeks had passed since Penny had left him for the second time, and as everyday passed, he felt himself becoming weaker, less tolerable and angrier. Life was against him, he had never felt warmth in his youth, never been shown appreciation from his family, never been congratulated, no one had ever been proud of him. No one had ever said that they'd loved him.

Not even Penny.

Even as he lay dying, Leonard hadn't heard the words 'I love you' being directed at him once, but he didn't care anymore, he was too far gone.

**_Getting lost within myself _**

Death stared at him, telling him to let go, he was completely ready, but somewhere, some part of him fought, his conscious mind tried to fight back, swinging manic punches at his subconscious, screaming at it to let him stop feeling pain, to let him stop living a ridiculed joke of a life. But he couldn't; he had lost, for now. He resigned himself as he was forced to carry on with his shallow breathing, until his rebellious soul was forced to give up, once Leonard had finally stopped breathing. He didn't know how long he'd been here, judging by the size of the pool of the ruby red life essence, an hour, maybe a bit longer, seemed like a reasonable estimate. But he didn't care, it'd be over soon.

**_Nothing matters no one else _**

He could hear the opening of the door, the smashing of the glass, and the faint feeling of some of it burying itself in his back, but he was too weak to look up. The soul piercing scream of a female woman echoed throughout his body, it chilled him even more, it was blood curdling. It burnt his ears. But he didn't care; there'd be silence before long.

**_I have lost the will to live _**

He remembered a happier place, to try and pass the time before he met his maker, and as much as he tried to focus on the highs of his career, he couldn't because of two reasons, the first being that every time he looked over his own work highlights, he saw Sheldon's face, venomously telling him that he was nothing, that his career held no meaning, that he'd never make a contribution to science. But as easy as it was to ignore that, Hell, he'd been doing it for 10 years, the second reason was that his mind kept wondering over to Penny, and the memories that they had. He remembered the first time they had taken a photo together, how they'd both made it their Facebook profile photo. He remembered the first Christmas they'd spent together, and how they'd exchanged gifts, and the look of pure euphoria on her face as she had held the diamond necklace up to the light. He would miss those, he thought sadly to himself. But he didn't care; there was nothing he could do about it anymore.

**_Simply nothing more to give _**

He had wanted to go on, oh so badly, to have a child, and see him grow up to be great, to wave him off to college, to see him marry, and to have children of his own. He wanted to have a wife, one he could be truly loved by, he had wanted a house in the country, friends that weren't geniuses, and he'd longed for a stable life, one without raging depression. But nothing worked, whenever he'd tried to move on, Penny would waltz into his head, sending him spiralling downwards. He hadn't wanted to die, he was scared, he'd wanted to grow old, he'd wanted to see string theory discovered, and he'd wanted to be with Penny.

But he didn't care anymore, she was gone, and soon he would be too.

**_There is nothing more for me _**

He opened his eyes; his vision had started to become blurred. He could feel hot hands on him, but they didn't make him any warmer. He could feel his body being lifted, and he could feel the stabbing pain in his lower stomach, where he'd plunged a steely blade into earlier, and he could feel the vomit start to rise in his throat. He could hear the tears and screams of a female, and he could just make out the one responsible for the noises trying to break free from an iron grip, he could see her flailing her arms, her eyes slowly moving to lock onto his, and in that moment everything stood still, including her. He could make out tears streaming down her face, and severe shakes racking through her body. With all the strength he could muster he lifted his head, and after making sure it was Penny, he smiled, and mouthed a single word to her, 'Goodbye'. The world came crashing back to him, and Penny immediately started to fight against the man holding her again, she screamed his name for him to stay with her, that she needed him. But still no mention of love, she just wanted a friend, and as much Leonard had tried, he couldn't. But he didn't care anymore; she wouldn't miss him for long.

**_Need the end to set me free _**

He could barely take the pain. He was gritting his teeth as the world spun around him, the numbness was gone, and had been replaced by the burning hellish fire in his stomach, he was awake, the paramedics had been keeping him awake, trying to do all they could to keep him in the land of the living. Leonard felt the vehicle moving, he could hear sirens blaring, and he could see paramedics surrounding him, shouting at him, pressing on his wounds to stop the bleeding.

But he couldn't take it any longer; the intolerable agony he was feeling physically was only matched by the emotional strain of seeing the woman he loved in so much pain.

But he didn't care anymore; she didn't love him. Did she?

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**See you soon with Chapter 2! **

**Please review! :D **


	2. Chapter 2

**And hey! Welcome back! Chapter 2 is here! :3 **

**Oh my God, the reviews for the first chapter were amazing, and I couldn't have been any happier, I was grinning like a freaking idiot for hours! :D **

**It really makes me want to finish this story, along with my other fic 'Gone'. And so I'll try and update the two on a rotating schedule! **

**Reviews are greatly appreciated, they really keep me motivated, and they let me know if you like where the story is going, because, at the end of the day I wanna make you guys happy! :)**

**Enjoy! :D**

******DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not 'The Big Bang Theory', nor 'Fade to Black'/Metallica or anything associated with either party.**

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**_Things not what they used to be _**

He had felt wrong for a while, seeing Penny with other people, who was he kidding, it still did, that'd been what sent him over the edge.

_~Flashback~:_ As Leonard had walked out to go and grab his mail, he had seen a man quietly tiptoe out of her apartment, he winked at Leonard, and mouthed something about Penny to him, but he didn't see what the words were, the veil of seething rage was already covering his eyes. He waited until the man was out of sight before barging into Penny's apartment. The place had been a tip, with clothes scattered around, chairs knocked over and empty bottles littered everywhere. He viewed the whole room, before his eyes settled on her, making a cup of coffee. She must have heard him because she spun around, inquiring for a 'Danny'. Obviously the man she had slept with the previous night.

'Oh, Leonard, it's just you. Hi, what're you doing here?' She asked, seemingly genuinely intrigued.

His voice barely came out at over a whisper, but not because he was nervous of the woman standing in front of him, but because he knew that if he had tried to speak normally he would've screamed bloody murder. With clenched teeth he replied:

'It's been less than three weeks, Penny. And you're already sleeping around.' You know, just because I couldn't give you everything physically, I'll be the only one for a while that didn't just use you.'

Her eyes became thin, and her lips turned into a vicious snarl.

'Danny and I are very close, and I plan on seeing him for a _very_ long time!' Her voice became gradually higher, and Leonard saw her become shakier, just one retort and he would've made his point.

'Is that why he just walked out of here, trying not to alert you? Is that why he winked at me as he left? Is that why you seemed almost shocked when you heard the door open?' He didn't wait for a response, he had no tolerance left to deal with immaturity, and he couldn't take another second of heartbreak from the woman he loved either.

_~Flashback end~_

Leonard winced, slightly from the pressure being applied to his gut, but mainly because of the regret of what he had said to Penny, maybe, just maybe if he had waited, they could've made up, but his pride had gotten the better of him, and he had ran, ran from the hellish realm of the living.

**_Missing one inside of me _**

Without Penny, Leonard knew that a part of him had died before even before he'd lifted the blade to his body. They had become inseparable at one point, and as much as everyone else had hated it, Penny had taken great pleasure in just embracing Leonard, sometimes for hours. He hadn't been just vying for one night with her, he was in it for the long haul, and he had tried to show her many a time that he had meant it.

He once again remembered their first Christmas together. After they had exchanged gifts, Penny had wanted to bake cookies with Leonard, and after they had put them in the oven they'd decided to watch Christmas TV, to try and pass the time. The bliss had been beautiful, until they'd heard the explosion from the other side of the room, in unison they had jumped from the couch to see what had happened, and after seeing the remainder of the cookies all over the oven door they had collapsed in one another's arms, in fits of hysterical laughter and tears.

Leonard laughed to himself. It was the first time he had in weeks, for just a moment everything that had happened was forgotten, as the 'Ghost of Christmas Past' had just delivered an enjoyable haunting. But the warmth within him soon seeped out as more of reality hit him. It was too late now, he had already killed himself, and that meant he lost all the perks that had come with life, including the best one, Penny.

**_Deathly lost this can't be real _**

**_Can't stand this Hell I feel;_**

Leonard knew very well that what he was doing was irreversible, but he had seen no other way out. He didn't expect anyone else to understand, why would they? It was just a girl. He just hoped that maybe they'd see the truth when they found his note.

Leonard let himself wander within his thoughts, as if they were a never-ending labyrinth of confusion and newfound anger. He found himself feeling more and more ashamed at his actions, and how selfish they'd been. He was going to leave everyone he'd ever cared about behind, Sheldon wouldn't have a personal whipping boy 24/7, Howard and Raj wouldn't have as much normality when visiting 4A, and Penny, oh sweet Penny, she'd be left probably thinking this was because of her, and even though that was the excuse to do it, so many things had happened, she was realising him from his torture right? But the guilt still crashed over him, leaving him almost in tears. Without consideration for his six best friends, he decided to leave them, confused as to why. His breath was becoming shallower. '_Not long now' _He thought to himself.

But Leonard didn't want to die, there was so much he needed to say, so much he wanted to do.

But he couldn't do anything about it anymore.

**_Emptiness is filling me_**

As blood oozed from his wound, Leonard's world was becoming black around him, but the loss of the ruby liquid from his stomach was being replaced by a hollow and helpless feeling that had already swarmed the majority of Leonard's brain.

**_To the point of agony _**

Leonard could still hear voices, concerned but calm voices, no doubt doctors, and he could also still see the bright lights, but this time they were the hanging bulbs on the hospitals ceiling. The scientific part of Leonard wondered how he could've survived this long; the loss of blood should've been too great for a man as physically unable as Leonard. But the dreamer inside of him knew that it was her keeping him alive, whether or not it was right, was another story, but the thought of her dimmed the excruciating pain, and kept him away from the brink of crying out.

**_Growing darkness taking dawn _**

An aura of weakness fell around Leonard. Blackness crept around the corner of his eyes, leaving the world fuzzy to his partial vision. He could make out a faint feeling upon his face, no doubt it was anaesthetic. He felt his breathing become slower, less shallow, and calmer.

**_I was me, but now he's gone_**

But, as he gave into the drugs that were being pumped around his body, Leonard couldn't help but feel that he'd never wake up.

He screamed Penny's name into the universe, but no one heard him. He was gone.

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**Aww yus, ending it on a cliffhanger :3 Leaving you hanging around! I'm sorry! I promise I'll be back soon with the next update! :D **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3! So it's a lot shorter this time, because the verse is a lot shorter :L I think i'll do Penny's PoV in this same story, so once I've finished her PoV, I can do a third piece that's about things not yet disclosed :3 **

**So, I tried to make this chapter sad, don't know if I succeeded, but I hope I did! I'm going to put a link to the song here, because it really is just incredible.**

** watch?v=lR9mNuLIPBU**

**I just want to thank you guys for the incredible reviews, all of you have just been really amazing in your feedback, and it really means so much to me :) I will make sure to take the time to PM all of you that have left a review, just to try and show some of my appreciation! **

**So without anymore rambling, here is Chapter 3, I will make sure to start uploading Penny's PoV soon, set to the song 'Nothing Else Matters'. **

**Enjoy!**

**Added note: I know it said Leonard flatlines, but I cant help but feel sorrow for Leonard, and I cant yet tell you whether or not he makes it, mainly because I can't decide, I really want to turn a depressing story into a happier one, and I _REALLY _want Leonard to hear those bloody words! :P**

******DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not 'The Big Bang Theory', nor 'Fade to Black'/Metallica or anything associated with either party.**

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**CHAPTER/ VERSE 3**

**_No one but me can save myself, but it's too late _**

Leonard no longer felt like he had nothing, he had everything, he was a fool. And now, what would he have to show for his life? A wife and a family? No. A Nobel Prize? Or a legacy for his work? No. All he was to have was a gravestone, and one that'd soon be unruly, faded, and forgotten. Life had passed him by, and he'd cowered away, never seizing the day, and living life.

He was King Nothing.

**_Now I can't think, think why I should even try _**

He heard the slowing beep rhythmically flowing from the heart rate monitor beside him. When he tried to open his mouth, no words came out. Faint noise wandered into his ears, he heard male voices, and their female counterparts, some sounded soft, one sounded distraught, and one was screaming at him, he couldn't understand why, and he couldn't hear what they were saying, his hearing was muffled. He heard his name. '_Leonard!' _he heard the female voice scream. Leonard. Did he even deserve a name? Shame and failure followed him everywhere he went; he wasn't 'Lion-Hearted', nor was he brave; he had taken the coward's way out. Even his name was ridiculing him as he lay dying. With what little strength he had left, he opened his eyes, wide enough to notice her. She fought against Howard and Raj as they held her by the arms, tears flowed freely down her face, and her eyes were red and puffy. Her hair was strewn about like it had been caught in the blast of a leaf blower. Penny looked frail, hopeless, crushed. But she still fought recklessly against her restraints. And it was solely his fault; this was all because of him.

**_Yesterday seems as though it never existed _**

Leonard looked right at her as he lay dying. He had always been infatuated by her, not just because of her beauty, but because she was such an intricate soul, there was so much about her that he loved, and even the things she did that drove others up the wall, Leonard found adorable. He remembered the day they had met like it was yesterday, he had been sweating just moments after he had first laid eyes on her, just as he was now. He remembered trying to introduce himself to her, without making a fool of himself, and even though he had, she'd still not been ashamed to sit and eat with him. Leonard found himself thinking about every moment they had spent together; as she worked her way into the group, to the point where Amy and Bernadette had become valued members, too. He suddenly became very angry, at himself, and at the world. If he had never introduced himself, none of this would be happening; the cruel mistress of fate would've given him different cards of fate, but he let a crush remove his better judgement, and now, because of a tiny blunder he'd made, he was going to die, slowly.

They say that your whole life flashes before your eyes as you die. But Leonard knew that it was just the good memories that were laid out in front of you, and every single memory he saw, had Penny in it, he had been given the six happiest years of his life, and now it was his turn to repay fate for its gracious gift to him.

**_Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye _**

He tried to smile, smile at Penny and let her know it was OK. He didn't know if she had seen, but she had stopped struggling, and instead just raised a hand to her eyes, in a futile attempt to stop the tears. She held her head up and quieter this time, spoke to Leonard. He could feel her hand on his leg as she said, 'Leonard, please, please don't go, we need you, _I _need you.'

Leonard felt a rush of warmth go through his shivering body, but his heart broke even more. He was never going to hear the words he longed for. Death no longer seemed so terrifying, and although he wasn't ready, he knew it was time. Mustering everything inside of himself, he mouthed three words to Penny. '_I love you.' _With that he closed his eyes, and let the raindrops pour from them. He said his goodbye's in his head, and waited for the silence.

His eyes had been closed. He never saw her mutter the words back, now he'd never know.

**_Goodbye. _**

Flatline.

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**And we'll leave it on a cliffhanger! You're welcome! ;P See you all very soon! :D **


	4. Penny's next! Authors notes 'PoV Break'

**DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING ASSOCIATED WITH EITHER 'THE BIG BANG THEORY' NOR 'METALLICA'. The usage of any material is not used for material gain, is not monetized and is purely for the enjoyment of the reader! **

**Hey guys, this is just a short note, I had a tough time choosing between two songs for Leonard's PoV. I had 'Fade To Black.' Which is the one I chose, but I also had one called 'The day that Never Comes.' **

**I was wondering which was better, and I decided on Fade to Black, but if any of you want to see a rewrite with the other song, than I'd be more than happy! I'll post the lyrics below! **

**I also used this as a 'Chapter Break/PoV break.' Meaning that I can start the story from Penny's PoV in the next chapter without it being directly after Leonard's. **

**See you all real soon! :D **

**Callum**

******DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not 'The Big Bang Theory', nor 'Fade to Black'/Metallica or anything associated with either party.**

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Born to push you around  
Better just stay down  
You pull away  
He hits the flesh  
You hit the ground

Mouth so full of lies  
Tend to black your eyes  
Just keep them closed  
Keep praying  
Just keep waiting

Waiting for the one  
The day that never comes  
When you stand up  
And feel the warmth  
But the sunshine never comes, no  
No the sunshine never comes

Push you cross that line  
Just stay down this time  
Hide in yourself  
Crawl in yourself  
You'll have your time

God I'll make them pay  
Take it back one day  
I'll end this day  
I'll splatter color  
On this gray

Waiting for the one  
The day that never comes  
When you stand up  
And feel the warmth  
But the sunshine never comes

Love is a four letter word  
And never spoken here  
Love is a four letter word  
Here in this prison

I suffer this no longer  
I'll put an end to  
This I swear  
This I swear  
The sun will shine  
This I swear  
This I swear  
This I swear

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**I love you all, the reviews and the favorites, and the follows have been incredible, and you guys are amazing! I can't wait to spend many a year reading and enjoying the stories posted here! **


	5. Chapter 4

**Hey guys, this was written in about 15 minutes, no time to grammar check it, and it's really short, it's obviously not that great, but I felt bad for leaving you in the dark :3 So I just went with flat out angst, and the song Penny's PoV is going to follow is '****_The Day That Never Comes' _****It's beautiful, and Metallica have some incredible music, poets in their own right. **

**I promise to update more, I guess being 14 is just so difficult socially ;P Haha, I just want to say how much I enjoy writing this, I suppose it's a place where age is irrelevant, and sharing your writing is all that is important. **

**I hope you enjoy this, as I said, 15 minutes isn't really a great amount of time to write a decent piece of literature :L**

******DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not 'The Big Bang Theory', nor 'Fade to Black'/Metallica or anything associated with either party.**

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**Penny**

As Penny heard the long monotonous buzz ring out from the monitor, all feeling left her body. She suddenly lost the feeling of the arms holding her back, and when she tried to move towards Leonard, spectral hands gripped her ankles, and she couldn't take a single step. She felt her lungs collapsing in on themselves, the breath was taken right from her, and the world around Penny started to dissipate, all she could see was Leonard lying lifeless on the bed in front of her, and the sound of the machine telling her he was gone; it was burned into her very soul, ingrained in her head. As far as she was concerned, it had taken Leonard from her. She turned her head, and saw her friends, deathly quiet, but frantically trying to get her away from him. She turned back to Leonard and saw that he was getting further away from her, further away from the land of the living.

Numb. Emptiness. Cold. Hollow.

Penny knew he'd never seen her say the words. He had already closed his eyes, gracefully accepting death. They always missed their shot, missed out by a hair's breadth. Every day that she had spent away from Leonard had rammed a wedge between them even more, they were becoming distanced. And yet, she had always expected him to be there, even after breaking his heart to no end, she would always rely on Leonard to make _her _feel better.

Guilt.

It flowed into Penny. Worked its way down her throat and seeped into her lungs, drowning her, ever so slowly, making sure she suffered for what she had done.

She remembered finding Leonard's IPod, he had been out, and Penny had gone over to collect her things after they'd broken up. It had been lying on his bed, softly surrounded and pressed into the warm duvet. Picking it up she had absentmindedly pressed play, only to be greeted by something which had shocked her.

As opposed to his usual taste trying to fit in with modern music, he had had a Metallica track playing. '_The Day That Never Comes.' _

_'Born to push you around  
Better just stay down  
You pull away  
He hits the flesh  
You hit the ground_

Mouth so full of lies  
Tend to black your eyes  
Just keep them closed  
Keep praying  
Just keep waiting

Waiting for the one  
The day that never comes  
When you stand up  
And feel the warmth  
But the sunshine never comes, no  
No the sunshine never comes'

Although Penny had been surprised by his music, she'd thought nothing more of it than just Leonard being Leonard, wallowing in his own self-pity over her. She had almost taken pleasure in seeing how much Leonard had been in love with her, and how much control she had over him.

But now it just made her feel sick. So many signs, but she'd been ignorant to them all, the weight loss, the quietness, the music taste.

Penny had been so wrapped up in herself, she couldn't see what she was doing to the man she'd cared most about. It was all her fault; she had killed someone, the love of her life.

_'No the sunshine never comes'_

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**Haha, well that was depressing, see you all soon :P**


	6. Chapter 5

**Hey guys, chapter 5 is here, and it's just angst-ridden :P So, sorry for the delay again, and next chapter, is a big one :L So if you want to drop a review and let me know what you think, that'd be awesome! I really appreciate them, and I read them whenever I feel down xD **

**P.S: This was once again written in a very short time frame of about 25 minutes, so it's short, and it may be laden with grammar mistakes, I haven't checked! :S **

**See you next chapter, where we finally see what he wrote in that letter! :O**

******DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not 'The Big Bang Theory', nor 'Fade to Black'/Metallica or anything associated with either party.**

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Reality pulled Penny back, hard.

She could hear the voices around her, they sounded warm and comforting, inviting. But Penny couldn't will herself to open her eyes and lock on to another pair. She wanted nothing more than to be with Leonard, whether it meant her being alive or not. She had always known that she could rely on him, and even take advantage of him. But Penny now wished she hadn't. She knew that she could sleep with as many men as she wished, and still string Leonard on, feigning interest in him, just simply pouting his lips or putting on some tears for him, and he'd melt like butter. But had it been just a game? Why was she deluding him, she didn't want a relationship with him after all, did she? But deep down she knew that if she truly let Leonard go, she would lose a chance of ever being with him again. And now, as Leonard lay on his deathbed, she was only just realising that it was her actions that caused Leonard to kill himself. She had been too late, her ignorance and churlishness had overwhelmed her, and now an innocent man was paying for it, he had taken the bullet for her.

_'If you love something, let it go. And if it comes back to you, it's yours.' _

But she didn't want to let him go. He had been her back-up plan, and it had meant to stay that way. Anger suddenly welled inside of her_, 'how could Leonard have done something so selfish?' _She had thought to herself, _'didn't he think of anyone else when he took his life?!' _

But Penny stopped herself, she realised that she was blaming Leonard for this, just because she couldn't handle what she'd done. She was making herself ill. Although it pained her she dug deeper into her feelings, wandering about within the chasm's of thought in her own mind. Penny looked back at their relationship, their ups and their downs, the tears and the smiles of pure ecstasy they had shared, and the dates and night's they'd spent together. Never had she felt safer than when she was in Leonard's arms; but today, when Penny had touched his arm, he was cold, deathly still, and as pale as a ghost. She thought about the fights they'd had, over trivial things, and the way Leonard would always make it up to her, even if it wasn't his fault.

Everything had contributed towards this day; she had been slowly chiselling away at his reserve, his nerve, his sanity. And it had broken, he had snapped and set himself alight with rage, and she'd done nothing but anger the blaze, forcing Leonard to put it out himself, forever. But however much of a fire blanket she could be now was irrelevant, because the flames had already been doused, with Leonard's blood.

Penny pulled herself out of her nightmare, she was doing no good, for her or for Leonard just moping over what she'd done, all she could do was pray that he'd be ok, and that she could make it up to him after he had recovered. She had forbidden herself to think about the other possible outcome.

She stood, and without saying anything walked out of the small waiting room in which the six friends had sat cradling each other, trying to put plasters on each other's broken hearts. But as Penny walked away, she heard footsteps rushing up behind her, when she saw Bernadette catching up to her and putting an arm on her shaking shoulder.

'_Hey, where ya' going, sweetie?' _ Bernadette said, in little more than a whisper.

'_Home,' _Penny croaked '_I'm doing neither Leonard nor I any favours by just sitting here, I need to shower, I need to-to think.' _She finished, just getting the words out made Penny's heart weigh a little less.

'_Do you want me to come with you?' _Bernadette asked, with sincere concern in her voice.

Penny managed a frail cracked smile, '_No. I need to be alone, but don't worry, I'll be OK.' _She said, before turning and heading towards an exit, without even saying goodbye.

~_4B, Penny's just gotten home from the hospital ~_

Penny stepped out of the shower, shivering uncontrollably. She didn't know whether it was due to the temperature drop from within her shower to her bathroom, or whether it was just her nerves, but she didn't care, the scalding water had helped, and Penny had managed to stop crying long enough to wash, either that or the tears had become part of the stream of water, but it didn't matter. As she dressed, her mind wandered to Leonard again. It had been so long since she'd been in his apartment, to eat dinner or to play Halo with the guys, because since she'd broken up with him, Penny avoided spending time with them, to try and keep the awkwardness to a minimum.

But now, something drew Penny to go over to where she had spent the happiest hours of her life at. She grabbed her spare key and headed out of her door, not bothering to lock it, and in two steps she was already at the door of 4A, struggling to get the key in the lock.

She fumbled for maybe thirty seconds before she heard a clicking sound and the door swung open to an eerily dark and quiet room. An air of angst filled the apartment, and it was deathly still, not even Penny dared to make a sound, until the sound of heating pipes clanking brought her back to reality. Without thought she headed Leonard's bedroom, as she had done so many times before, but now it was with an aching heart and a guilty conscience that loomed over Penny like her own shadow. She turned the knob and stepped inside.

Everything was in its place, all the knick knacks and memorabilia scattered neatly around the room. His bed was made, and his hypoallergenic pillows had been fluffed. She caught herself smiling with tears in her eyes, and snuffled them away. So many memories were captured within this room, and Penny remembered every one. Her gaze slowly caught the letter at the end of his bed, and she leaped for it, the last words ever written by Leonard Hofstadter lay within a simple paper prison, and Penny tore it apart, grasping for the penned letters on the tear soaked paper.

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**Oh shyyttt, leaving it on a cliffhanger ;P **

**Haha, see you guys soon! ;3**


	7. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, this is easily the hardest thing I've written on here. Suicide is such a terrible thing, and so writing this 'note' was actually really difficult. I don't know how this chapter actually panned out, I think i'm relatively satisfied with the letter on the whole, but it's not really up to me, it's up to you guys :3! I hope you guys enjoy this, It took me a lot longer to write this, just due to the amount of freaking retyping of it I did, I know that Leonard's pretty damn OOC in this story, but I still wanted to try and get some of the 'show' Leonard in to the letter, and hopefully I did OK :S **

**I just wantt to thank you guys for all the awesome feedback from the bottom of my heart, especially to '5Missisippis' for the support every chapter, your words are so kind and really make me want to keep writing :3 (Will PM all you guys thanks though, when the story ends :3)**

**So anyway, enjoy! :D**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not 'The Big Bang Theory', nor 'Fade to Black'/Metallica or anything associated with either party.**

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**_Penny 3_**

Two pieces of crumpled paper fell onto Leonard's bed, she grabbed for the first. It was folded in to, with the writing on the other side, it was addressed to her.

Even seeing his font on the paper made her heart leap, knowing that Leonard was thinking about her. More hesitantly this time, she slowly opened up the lined A4 sheet of paper and started reading from the top, after taking several shaky breaths.

_'My Dearest Penny, _

_ There is nothing left for me here anymore. I can no longer stand to live the way I do, and knowing that my situation isn't going to change, it means I can no longer live full stop. This isn't easy for me, writing this, I've never regretted a decision more than the one I'm making now, I just don't see a way out. _

_I want to thank you, Penny. Just for everything you've done, for just being in my life. You've shown me what being cared about is like, you've shown me what laughter and fun is, and you've shown me that I'm not just a pathetic loser, and for that, I'll forever love you more than anything. They say that suicide is a coward's way out, and up until now, I've always agreed. But now I see the truth, when you're backed into a corner where all positivity is being torn from within you, there isn't anything else, darkness creeps into your every thought, sadness and sorrow wheedles its way into everything you do, smiles become non-existent. Happiness is but a distant thought, a dream. _

_I'm sorry. Sorry for getting angry at you, I'm sorry for keeping you in a relationship which you detested; I didn't mean to be overbearing and protective. I'm sorry for not being there enough, and for not being able to give you everything you needed from a relationship._

_Oh, and mostly I'm sorry for leaving you with Shelbot, that's gonna suck! _

Penny cried, she cried a lot. She couldn't will herself to read on, it hurt too much. He had tried to be funny, tried to make her smile, to make her happy, even on the day of his death. Leonard was the embodiment of selflessness, always giving, physically, emotionally, materialistically. He'd never been the best comedian, but now, seeing him pen a joke, here; smashed her heart into a million pieces. She couldn't believe the man that Leonard was, he was put down by everyone, pushed around, taken for granted. And he took it, took all the crap more than Penny now believed possible, it was heartbreakingly incredible. But as much as it pained her to read, she did, because she had to be selfless, she owed Leonard so much, and so she had to finish that letter.

_I just hope that, when you meet a man that's worthy of you, he realises it. Because if he doesn't I'm going to be turning in my grave I'll be so pissed off. Although I always dreamed of being at the altar while you walked down the aisle, I know it's never going to happen, I've always known it wasn't going to happen, I guess I just couldn't bring myself to admit it, just know that I'll be smiling proudly at you, and if you have children, I'm sure they'll be both smart and beautiful. _

_I'm sorry I won't be around, I'm going to miss kicking Sheldon's ass at Halo with you on a Wednesday, but I just don't see how I can go on like this, having my heart broken every time I stupidly believe I have another chance as soon as you show any interest in me. This will never be your fault Penny, it's mine. I'm a fool; I always have been, over analysing and always hoping for too much. _

_ I can't explain the regret I hold within myself for not doing this in person, but you have better things to do than listen to a suicidal maniac ramble. I beg of you to forgive me for what I'm doing, and I pray that maybe you understand why. _

_I love you Penny, I always will. _

_Leonard._

Penny looked up in disbelief, he blamed himself. He blamed himself for something that was her fault in its entirety. Something within her had died at reading the letter, it was Leonard's only way to vent, only way to speak, and he didn't even want to bother her with his troubles, because he assumed them to be trivial compared to hers.

Penny the letter still in hand, stood, wobbling around on her feet for a short while, before stumbling back towards her own apartment, only stopping to lock Leonard's door behind her. She saw the world in a whole new light, the veil of arrogance and vanity was lifted from her head, and she saw life for what it really was, worthless, if it weren't for Leonard, everything she strived for, Leonard had encouraged her to do, any issue she had, he was there, day or night, in person or on the phone, as her boyfriend or not. She truly wouldn't be who she was, if it weren't for him. Leonard had given her the self-confidence to do anything she put her mind too, as well as the funding for some of it! And how _had _she repaid him? When she thought it through thoroughly, she realised that not everything she had done was terrible, she had brought Leonard out of his shell, given him friends, shown him love, even though she'd never brought herself to say it, she very well knew that that was what she felt for him. She'd also given_ him_ the self-confidence to stand up to the people that used to push him around, she remembered when he'd mocked Kurt at her Halloween party, no one had ever messed with him, not even jocks, let alone a physically sub-par scientist. She had wanted to be with him so much that night, but he still respected her too much to let his own feelings get in the way. Penny would've done _anything _to just tell Leonard that she loved him, but she was too late, as always, a step behind the rest. Her own needs had come before his, and it had resulted in the worst possible situation, and it was all her fault, no matter what he'd written.

_'God I'll make them pay  
Take you back one day  
I'll end this day  
I'll splatter colour  
On this grey.'_

The lines of the song played chorused through her head, aggravating her tear ducts all the more.

'_You did it Leonard, you showed them who you were, and you beat them.' _Penny cried out hoarsely as she reached for an object on her bedside table. '_You did it.' _She repeated.

The last thing that Penny remembered was staggering about her room, and holding the 'Immortal Snowflake' up to the dim light.

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**I promise to update more often :3 Please review! Love to hear what you guys think! :D **


	8. Chapter 7

**Hey guys, just another quick update, in preparation for another tough chapter coming up! :3 **

**Hope you enjoy it! **

**P.S: The reviews I got yesterday were amazing! I was absolutely overwhelmed that you guys liked it that much (Still am :L), especially as I was so unsure about it, anyway just thank you so much guys! It meant the world to me! :D**

******DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not 'The Big Bang Theory', nor 'Fade to Black'/Metallica or anything associated with either party.**

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**_Penny 4_**

His half of the bed was cold. It had been that way since he'd left, but it had never been this empty and chilling. All that was left of him was the small velvet bag that lay where he once did.

Penny pulled her duvet off of herself, and rolled out of bed, only just landing on two feet. With the support of her hands, she pushed on the side of the bed and heaved herself up. Walking over to her closet, she reached into the bottom draw of her cabinet, reaching right towards the back where she kept his shirts. She pulled out the first shirt she found and slung it on over her tank top, she lifted it up to her nose and inhaled, for a moment she forgot everything that had happened and spun round to face her bed, half expecting Leonard to be lying there asleep. After the wave of disappointment and sorrow had faded she crawled back into her bed, on _his _side, and pulled the duvet up to her ears. There was no way she was going to work today, she didn't even have the energy to phone in sick, let alone get out of bed and haul her work clothes on. Assuming the foetal position, Penny just lay there, weeping and screaming into her pillow calling out to whatever God there was to bring Leonard back to her. It had been a week since she'd been at the hospital, they'd managed to revive Leonard, and re-oxidise his blood, enough to keep him in a temporary vegetative state, they hadn't been able to wake him up since, and had no time frame for how long he'd be asleep. Bernadette had tried to reassure her, she had told her that his breathing had been steady, and that there hadn't been any major worry about whether or not he'd return from his hiatus on consciousness. She'd also heard that Sheldon hadn't left Leonard's side, he was like a dog, and no matter how much Amy would plead him to rest or take a shower, he refused, he simply sat by Leonard's side, and talked to him about the world of science, and according to Amy (who had been texting Penny every thirty minutes for the last week), Sheldon had actually praised Leonard on his work with Helium-Neon lasers and Bose-Einstein Condensates. He'd even called his mother, asking for her church back in Texas to bring Leonard home safely.

But no matter how much positivity came from her friends, Penny couldn't bring herself to smile, couldn't bring herself to be enthusiastic about Leonard's survival, because as long as he wasn't there with her, she was lost, without a way home.

She longed for the day that he came home, she'd step out from her apartment after waiting up all night for him to get back, open the door, and surprise him like she did when he got back from the north pole four years ago, then she'd lead him into their new apartment. She'd decided that she'd wanted to live with him as soon as she'd left the hospital, that she wasn't going to keep waiting for time to bring them back together, she'd spent the last six years trying that, and it hadn't happened, so she wasn't going to take any more chances, she was going to show Leonard what they could have, she wanted to be with him, live with him, become 'Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter', and she wanted to grow old with him. Some may say it was too little too late, but Penny knew that what she was willing to give to Leonard was far greater than anything she would be willing to give to anyone else. Commitment was tough for her, love scared her, growing older scared her. But losing Leonard? Penny couldn't even fathom how much it petrified her. She just prayed that he'd be willing to try being with her again. She knew how devastated he'd been every time she'd crushed his heart. But she was going to lay it all on the line, if he accepted her, she'd spend every day of her entire life trying to show Leonard how much she loved him; but if he refused her, she'd spend the rest of her life wondering about what could've been, and most likely spending many a night crying through until morning whenever Leonard brought a girl back to his apartment that wasn't her. But she deserved it, right? She'd driven him too far, she didn't deserve him.

Penny started to sweat, suddenly her resolve to win Leonard back dissipated, leaving her shaking violently once again. A buzzing from her phone brought her back from her own world; she lifted the phone to her ear and hit 'Accept Call'

'_Penny?' _The trembling voice of Bernadette came through the speaker. Penny's heartbeat started to gain pace.

_'Mhhm?' _ Penny replied, afraid of her next words.

'_He's woken up,' Penny_ cut her off before she could finish.

'_Oh my God! Leonard's awake! He's really awake! I'll be right there Bernadette, I just need to move a few of his things over to my apartment.' _Her plan to surprise him was thrown to the wind; the overwhelming urge to see him overtook any logical or romantic thought in her head.

'_Penny, he's woken up, but Leonard's requested that we say our goodbyes, in case what happened to him before happens to him again.' _

Absolute silence. Penny's world stood still for what seemed like the hundredth time that week, so close, but so far.

'_Wha-what?!' _Penny practically wailed into her IPhone.

'_Penny, look, it's not going to happen again, but Leonard's just being overly cautious, you know him. It's going to be fine, I promise you honey, he'll come home safely. Move his things over to your apartment, just like you were going to, and then come down here, and just listen to what he has to say, don't tell him about what you're going to do, I know that sounds terrible, but when he gets home, he'll see that you love him if you're willing to move in with him, I just know it. Give him a chance to say what he wants, and just nod along. Please Penny, don't panic, like I said, everything's going to be ok.' _Bernadette sounded confident in herself, although distressed, and Penny decided that she was right. Without warning she hung up the phone and placed it onto her table.

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~_Thirty minutes later~_

Penny still hadn't dressed, but she had gone across the hall and collected a few of Leonard's personal belongings, and put them in a small cardboard box. She'd picked out a few of his posters, some of his comics, half his wardrobe, his pillows, and some other Sci-Fi and science memorabilia and then headed back to her apartment to start 're-decorating'.

Although she was still aching on the inside, Penny pressed on; she needed to do something positive, even if she herself felt like giving up. It took Penny less than fifteen minutes to decorate Leonard's half of the bedroom, and just over ten to rearrange the wardrobe. After she'd finished she pulled out the first clean clothes she could see and ran into her bathroom to shower and get dressed. After just five minutes under the hot water she dressed herself, brushed her teeth and threw on some makeup.

As she locked the door to her apartment, she took a deep breath. In the past hour she'd been more productive than she had all week. Penny almost smiled to herself, but she couldn't bring herself to. She hadn't the slightest clue on what Leonard would say to her at the hospital, but she sure as hell wasn't going to find out just swaying on her tiptoes just outside of her door. So with that in mind she almost threw herself down the stairs and out of the door.

Penny had to fight, fight to keep Leonard as hers. And she was going to do just that.

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**So the second half is pretty much just filler, the first half isn't really, but I just needed to get at least 1200 words down, and I suppose ending it on a more mundane note means that the next chapter will hit you harder! ;P **

**See you all soon! :D**


	9. Chapter 8

**Hey guys, first off, I really want to apologise for the MASSIVE delay on this update. But, I'm going to upload the final chapter tomorrow, and then immediately update the rest of my fics, to try and compensate a little I guess :S **

**This, was actually by far the hardest thing I've ever written. The amount of time I've spent deliberating whether or not to upload this chapter is crazy, and I've rewritten it multiple times. I hope you enjoy this! (As much as possible, given the contents!) **

**Take care! **

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, not one little single thing. :P **

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Penny slammed the door of her car closed and ran, slightly disorientated up to the hospital entrance. Everything was such a blur, she could barely remember being going up to the main desk and asking for Leonard's room. As she followed the nurse, practically at a run, Penny began to think about all of the things she would say to Leonard, begging him to take her back, telling him that she loved him, holding his hand and kissing his lips. It was evident to the nurse that Penny was deep in thought, because she had her tongue out and was scrunching her forehead up.

As they reached Leonard's room, after following a labyrinth of corridors, Penny saw Sheldon sitting in a lone chair, head in hand's. Her heart immediately felt a pang of worry, _'Why was he alone, why does he look upset?' _She thought to herself. Not even thanking the nurse, Penny ran straight up to him, and crouched next to his chair, and cleared her throat before talking.

She never got a chance; Sheldon looked straight up at her as soon as she made a noise, and with heavy eyes said,

_'He's dying, Penny. Leo-Leonard's dying.' _ As soon as he finished his sentence, he put his hands back over his eyes and started silently wailing into them.

_'What?!' _She screamed, '_Bernadette told me that he was fine, that he'd woken up, and was just overthinking and wanted to say goodbye, even though he knew he was going to be okay. He can't die! How did this happen?!' _

For once even the great Sheldon Cooper didn't have an answer.

_'I don't know, I'm sorry.' _

She wanted to be sick, moreover, she wanted to scream bloody murder at Sheldon for lying; she wanted to beg him to be lying, even be playing a cruel joke on her. She even wanted to wait for the bazinga that'd never come. All determination to see Leonard was gone; she couldn't see him on his deathbed, not again. She couldn't see him die, see him suffer. She instinctively curled her hands into balls and slammed them against the ground, letting tears drop to the cold floor as she did so.

Penny wanted to get up and sit with him, hold his hand, and tell him what she really felt. But the cold steely grip that was cowardice had her held fast. There was no way she was going anywhere.

_'Penny? Aren't you going in? He's already said goodbye to everyone, and you'd be alone with him in there, you can say whatever you need to.' _Sheldon sounded so fragile, that it made Penny cry even harder, when she finally spoke, it came out in a hysterical, incoherent slur of words.

_'I can't,' _she croaked, '_I just can't do it, I can see him like that, it'd kill me.' _

Penny could see Sheldon immediately look shocked, she saw him look at her with rage, with disappointment and with anger. But when he came to reply, to her words, it all disappeared.

_'You were the love of his life Penny. He talked about you every day, remained loyal to you, put up with your faults, took the blame for everything in your relationship, and worshiped the ground you walked on, paid for your food, heck he even paid for your rent. I never understood any of it, favours and friendships, but now, I can see why, sadly, it came too late, and I'll forever regret it. I hope when you realise that you threw away your last chance to ever see a man as incredible as Leonard, you don't. You've made a grave mistake today Penny, and even though he'll deny it, your absence will be the thing to kill him. I don't wish to sound harsh, but that's the cold truth, and it's unavoidable. I also hope that all of the men that you carelessly slept with were worth the consequences they've brought. Now, I'm going to go and be with Leonard as he dies, because he's my best friend, and he deserves to be with someone that cares at the end. Goodbye, Penny.' _

Each word that Sheldon had spoken slammed a stake further into her heart. It was all true, and Penny knew it, but she still couldn't move. Her legs were still deadweight's that refused to operate. She knew she had to do something, and so she asked Sheldon to give Leonard a message.

_'Shel-Sheldon?' _She started, once his sad eyes rested upon her she continued. _'Please tell Leonard that I love him more than anything.' _She was sobbing, but the words came out perfectly, she knew that he'd heard her.

_'No.' _He replied. _'I don't wish to torture him with what might've been, nor with false proclamations of love.' _And with that he was gone; he was on the other side of the door, breaking Leonard's heart on her behalf. He couldn't clear up the pieces this time. It was the end.

Penny heaved her body to the door, and pressed her ear against it. She could just make out the two of them talking about the latest issues of their favourite comics, and about how Sheldon's progression in the Skyrim story was going. She could hear Leonard's faint laugh, followed by a rasping cough as Sheldon complained about lacklustre ending that the game held. She heard them talking about physics, about a new theorem that one of the physicists had devised involving quantum tunnelling.

But what had followed left Penny feeling even more broken, beat and scarred. She could make out their voices as clear as anything.

_'Sheldon?' _ Leonard's weak voice said.

_'Yes, buddy?' _She heard him reply

_'I'm really tired, could you sing me soft kitty?' _

_'Sure, Leonard.' _

_'Soft Kitty, warm kitty little ball of fur.' _His voice was cracked, Penny knew he was holding back tears.

_'Happy Kitty, sleepy kit-' _He was interrupted by a long ringing from the machine, signalling that Leonard had fallen asleep, for good. But even though he was gone, Sheldon's obsessive compulsive left him forced to finish the hardest sentence he'd ever had to speak, torturing him, mocking him.

_'Purr, Purr, Purr. Sleep tight Leonard, I'll miss you.'_ And then, just muffled weeping from behind the door.

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**Sorry, but I just enjoy writing angst too much to give Leonard and Penny a break!**

**See you tomorrow! **


	10. Chapter 9: Fin

**I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I didn't want to! :L For everyone that was hoping for a really sad ending, I'm sorry, but I just couldn't, so here you go, it's probably cliche as hell, but, I like a happy ending, and this was the only way I could create a plausible happy ending! :P **

**Hope you enjoy it! **

**DISCLAIMER: As always, I own nothing, just enjoy writing about my favorite couple! :P **

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Penny let out an agonising scream as she flew from her bed, shaking and trembling uncontrollably. Tears immediately crept into the corners of her eyes as she thought about the dream she'd just had. It'd seemed to so real, so lucid, that she believed it had actually happened until she felt rushed footsteps and then arms cradling her hunched up body tightly. She immediately recognised the man, even though it was pitch black. _Leonard. _

_'Penny! Honey, what's wrong?!' _He was gently rocking her, she was still sobbing with her head buried in his chest, leaving it drenched within a matter of minutes. Although hearing him speak had already made her feel better, she couldn't help but shake the awful feeling she had in the pit of her stomach. She had seen what it was like for Leonard, albeit through dreams, but she had still seen the torture she'd put him through, she was wailing loudly, while Leonard held her, all the while planting gentle kisses on her head, and wiping away the strands of hair that had fallen in front of her face.

_'Leonard.' _ She whispered, almost in a state of disbelief that he was here with her.

_'I'm here, baby, don't worry, nothing can get you, it was just a bad dream. Here let me help you get back into bed.' _He was so genuine with his words that it just made her weep harder. _'I don't deserve him.' _She thought to herself.

Penny felt his arms wrap around her neck and her legs, as he gently lifted her and placed her back down onto her bed, before climbing across over her, and pulling the duvet up over the two of them, before pulling her into a tight embrace, placing his hands around her waist. She brought her hands up to his chest, and balled them into fists, and then rested her head against him, too.

_'Leonard.' _She said again, this time louder.

_'No, shh, I don't want to see my angel upset, try and forget about it, just remember dreams can't hurt you. I won't let them. I promise.' _A comfortable quiet descended between the two of them, save for Penny's gentle sniffles as she calmed down.

_'This one gave it a damn good try.' _She thought to herself. Nothing in her life had ever stuck around longer than necessary, whether it was guys looking for a quick release or friends just looking for help with something. But Leonard was so different, through everything she'd put him through, he was still here now, holding her in his arms, and for that she sent out a thankful word, thanking every God she could think of for making sure Leonard hadn't actually hurt himself. But she was also grateful for the nightmare that had plagued her, it made her realise just how precious life was, and how easily it could be taken away.

_'Leonard, I love you so much.' _She said, her lips still pressed against his chest. She felt him tense up, and could feel his eyes looking at her in shock.

_'Yo-you do?' _ He sounded bemused, but he also sounded elated, and he had almost shouted his last sentence.

_'I, I need you so much, and all I know is that as long as I have you it'll be ok, I never want to lose you again.' _She was crying again, as thoughts of her dreams floated through her mind again.

_'Penny, Penny look at me,' _He started, '_I promise, with every ounce of my existence, that you never will, alright? It's you and me, I love you so much, and I'll prove it to you every day.' _ His voice was so soft, and Penny just melted as the words entered her ears. He loved her too! Ever since they'd started dating again, Leonard had been so reserved with his emotion, and to see him lay it all on the line now made her feel things she never had. Every ounce of her being longed for him, and she knew it always would.

_'It's you and me,' _she repeated _'Our love will never flicker, it'll never Fade to Black.' _

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**So there you have it, my first completed TBBT fic, I'm ok with how it ended, what about you guys?! ^^ **

**I'm now going to send each and every one of you guys a private message, and expect it to be long, because I'm ridiculously grateful for all of the feedback I've gotten! Thanks again, you guys are incredible! :3 **


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